*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
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Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
and now we wait
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
smh
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.