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STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
men are simple creatures
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
a public service announcement
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this