I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
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Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
not for long
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.