[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
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I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…