My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
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Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
I can’t stop watching this.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…