All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
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Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.