[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
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ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
*puts cutlery down*
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.