[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
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Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
A huge thanks to the person that did this
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me: