I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
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Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
i will not be silenced