You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app