Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
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Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.