Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
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Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
the short answer to this question
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified