Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
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employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
THE AUDACITY. 😤
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
haha same
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.