Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
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Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.