I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
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Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.