My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
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America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Sharon, call the vet
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Human are so complicated
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Growing out my freckles.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
I’ve been learning to cook.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.