No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
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My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
A French press is when you hug naked
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.