i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
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I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
January has been Januweary
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..