Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
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A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him