Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
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It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Generation gap…
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.