When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
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The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Me My dog
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?