Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
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The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
dutch is not a serious language
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.