I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
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*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp