There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
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*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you