I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
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The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Venn
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Everyone’s family
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.