I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
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Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???