This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
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Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.