Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
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Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
somebody come look at this
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.