[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
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[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.