Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
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Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
shampoo implies shampee
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date