Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
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My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help