It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
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Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question