Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
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When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
never compromise your values