Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
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You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
I feel it
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Imma just leave this here…………
That de-escalated quickly
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.