Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
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Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?