my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
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Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.