April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
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Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy