*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
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How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
I don’t make the rules sorry
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.