I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
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Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
HOW DARE YOU
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes