Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
You Might Also Like
Perfect
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
You deplete me
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.