Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
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Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”