In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
You Might Also Like
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Fiction has to make sense.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.