George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
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I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.