Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
You Might Also Like
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Cow it started Cow it’s going
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.