Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
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I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show