the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
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It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
I’ve had worse
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.