[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
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Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
as is their right
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs