Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
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The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them