LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
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O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.