When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
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them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Meowchelangelo
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…